Sometimes…

Sometimes I feel like I am failing and I am flailing to hold onto anything I can grasp. There are days that are so dark I can’t see past the gloom, when I feel like my pain and sadness will swallow me whole, and sometimes I think that would be preferable to loosing a small part of what makes me me everyday…I have days when I can’t see the furture, when it feels like there can’t possibly be  a worse future beyond today and then I wake up tomorrow and sometimes it is worse. Sometimes I just don’t want to be strong anymore, sometimes I can’t pick myself up, sometimes I can barely bare to breathe. Sometimes I don’t want to. Somedays I don’t want to be in pain any more…

Why does today have to one of those sometimes? Why is everyday someday?

With all these somedays, I struggle on. I won’t give up, it is not giving up to give in.

I wrote this post on May 19, 2011 after midnight as I couldn’t sleep. I had it posted for about eight hours and then I took it down because after a gentle chastising from a friend I felt almost guilty for expressing these feelings. But it is now 3:31 am May 28 and I still haven’t gotten a solid night sleep nor has anything really changed, so I feel pretty much exactly how these words describe again tonight. I said  I would be honest and I think that there is value to these dark, yet understandable and very real feelings I am struggling that I am trying so hard to bury. However no matter how deeply I manage to push these thoughts in the wee hours of the morning they seem to claw through the layers and invade my head. Oh so frustratingly they just will not stay buried.  

What is your opinion? Is this a whiny post? Or just me being honest, if a little dramatic, in my pain and sadness? Or a bit of both? I’d love some feedback!

As Always, thanks for reading!            S.

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22 Comments to “Sometimes…”

  1. Hey Sarah!! Stubby nose here from the Knitting forum 🙂 I just read your story and was blown away !!
    What can I say ?? You have been through hell and back again….and yet you remain so sweet, tender and loving!!( my observation from chatting with you via email) Yes have you had some DOWN times…damn straight you have ..yet you bounced back and still find the positive. Good for you sweetie!! We are all entitled to feel down and out at times,and especially when one is suffering the way you are and have! I have experienced drastic non stopping pain before and it is almost unbearable to say the very least.I had Gillian Barre Syndrome 17 years ago and it paralyzed me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes!! ( I also got Bells Palsy the day after I was admitted and was diagnosed) There are many details of how each and every day I got worse and worse,and the pain is so bad that there weren’t meds strong enough to slightly help me with the pain! The pain was as if you hit you finger with a hammer and then seconds later you do it again and then continue this now for 2 weeks straight……no pause to even get your breath!! I cried, and cried with the pain and thought I was going to have a nervous break down from it all. That took 2 very very long weeks to accomplish( I was at home during this time) ( pain was caused when my own immune system attacked and ate the Mylar Sheath ,which covers ones nerves)but while lying in hospital and scared shitless to say the least ( as I was only 27,married and had a 7 year old little girl to raise) I too had feelings of total despair,fear, anger, sadness and the whoa is me feelings!! What else does one do when all you have is time to think and ponder ones situation. When every minute turns into hours ,and hours turns into days and so forth……ones thoughts can turn negative in a big way!! I finally had a hard talk with myself and told myself to smartin the fuck up and fight this thing instead of laying down and waiting for it to finish me off !! I had a huge wake up moment I guess,….I decided to take this one day at a time. I could not change the course of what this syndrome was going to take me on but I could change my attitude!! And I did!! I decided to take the upper road ….I was asked by the team of Dr.s at the hospital if I would sit with them and answer many questions regarding how and why this happened to me as the diagnose took the Dr’s 2 weeks to uncover the truth, because the TEXT BOOK said GBS symptoms happens one of two ways it either starts from your head and works it’s way down or it starts in your feet and works it way up….but, mine started in my jaw and neck area on the first day, and the second day it was in my feet and shins!! the third day it was back in my hands and arms. then back down and this pattern continued until I had no feeling any where, I could stand if one stood me up and I locked my knees, but could not move my legs to walk. I would fall seconds later should you leave me alone. They asked me how I was so happy and positive instead of sad, and depressed? I simply stated that the Syndrome could take away my feeling in my body but it could not have my feelings in my heart and brain!! I am a fighter and that is what I will do…feeling sorry and depressed is only going to give fuel to this syndrome and I would be damned if it would take anything more away from me!! Any ways I guess what I am saying is please don’t let this bring you down and change the inner person you are meant to be!! You sound so sweet, and caring and I would hate to see this change who you are!!
    Yes, this is going to take you many more months of recovery and I pray that the pain will leave you soon!
    Do you have family close by ? I know my family and friends rallied around me and my husband( at that time) and our little girl, The neighbours who were just the greatest in giving us help when we needed it, and they had prayer services at their churches to include us in their prayers! It is so important to let family and friends INTO your world so they can give you aid where you need it most. Please don’t shut them out ,they can be so very important in your healing. I know mine were!! This took me over a year to get over, and I still have residual affects from it ,but nothing I can’t handle!!

    There is a necklace you can ware and it helps with pain….the name escapes me at this time but I know several people who swear by them as they have noticed the difference themselves! Babies ware them as well as the mineral that is in it absorbs into your blood stream and helps with swelling and pain. They tell me they don’t even need meds. anymore,,, so if nothing else maybe it would help with decreasing your pain to another more reasonable level. I use magnetic bracelets for my pain in my wrists , but, that was before I heard about this necklace and I found out they make them in bracelets too!! Because my flair ups are few and far between my magnetic bracelets work great!! But if this changes I will try this bracelet! I hate taking medicine so I am willing to try things like this, I know in the case of infants and babies this helps in teething, colic,and growing pains. I have 2 babies( in my daycare) who ware them and not one of them have ever needed Tylenol for teething pain what so ever!! I can honestly say I have never seen this before,,,, most kids need some sort of pain relief from either Tylenol or ora-gel!!! Just some food for thought,,,just in case you hadn’t heard of it!!
    I pray that you will be pain free soon and on your journey will be full of happiness, love and new found health!!!

    take care because I do care!!!

    Hugs Tracy

  2. Hey there! I just watched that video! Thanks! 😀 Anyway, sorry I disappeared for a little bit. My internet acted up all of last week and then I was out of town this weekend.

    Anyway, I think I like you all the more for this: Yes, I have Crohns. The symptoms are a lot like an undiagnosed Celiac apparently…. only reason I’ve heard this… I was misdiagnosed with Celiac for almost a year! Crazy how they are so similar in symptoms! Celiac is definitely a tough one, it really is, learning how to cook everything yourself, what has hidden contamination, where is safe to eat, and how to control symptoms from something as miniscule as a grain of wheat. One thing that gave me a bit of light with all of that was this author Shauna. ( I think that’s her name, or Twitter’s lying to me.) Look up her book “Gluten Free Girl”. It’s a good read regardless, but I’m sure you’ll be able to relate. Not only that but if you do a little digging, you can find a lot of her recipes (for ANYTHING) or her husbands (he runs a gluten free restaurant out in Seattle.) Check it out!

    As for life changing diagnoses? Oh yeah. I was perfectly healthy my entire life up until 2007, barely even had the sniffles. Going from that to THIS? I think “Why me?”s happen at least once a week if not more STILL. Now it’s mostly in frustration with random complications or a bad day, I’m lucky enough to be in a half-assed-sort-of-limbo-remission. So I feel “normal” (minus joint problems) maybe a good 3 days out of the week. But it’s still rough. I don’t really think the “why me”s ever go away though, I mean, how can they. We can have great days but it’s almost as if that makes the bad ones worse, or at least I think so. It’s like I get a taste of what a normal life should be, then when I get sick I feel all the worse mentally, and then there’s this fear that maybe this time my body won’t bounce back. So far I’ve been good with this new drug (pretty good anyway) and hope is soaring, so every bad day in between terrifies me.

    And unfortunately as you discovered, not very many people understand. Your comment about someone relating your body to their back ache must have enraged you, the same way it does when people tell me “Oh take a tums, that always helps my stomach”. I’ve just gotten to the point where I either lie to people or tell them “Google Crohns. It’s like food poisoning only forever.” People unfortunately just can’t sympathize with something they’ve never dealt with. The only people who seem to understand are people in similar situations, with similar diseases/injuries/problems. That’s the main reason I love blogging and the internet, you can find people out there who can relate and at least understand a little bit about what you’re going through.

    Okay, holy crap. I just realized I wrote a book in a comment! Haha, my mistake. 😀 But hey, I hope you had a good weekend and had a better day. I’ll be back to stalk your blog later… perhaps when I am not so over caffeinated. Niiight.

  3. Hey there. First off I want to say I didn’t read through the comments, mostly because I’m short on time, secondly because it’s hard to read when I’m singing at the top of my lungs (new fav song).

    As to this entry, I don’t think it’s whine-like at all! As someone who struggles with a Chronic Disease I can completely see where you’re coming from. Sometimes all we have is our writing. All we have is our blog. Sometimes, it’s just us and the keyboard. Sometimes the pain and gloom and all of that just overwhelms. Sometimes its hard to say these things to a real life person. Sometimes it’s hard to deal with. So no. I don’t even think you’re dramatic even, I think you’re real. Just real. People don’t like seeing anguish, even if it’s expressed via writing. It makes society uncomfortable to know that there is suffering.

    I just wanted to say it DOES get better. Eventually. *hug*

    • Hey Skeletoes!
      Thanks for coming by!! It always surprises and delights me in equal measure when someone follows up on a comment I made.
      Thank you, also, for not taking my words as a whine. I noticed you have crohn’s if I am not mistaken or embarrassingly confused, I think I can relate, just a bit. While I don’t have crohn’s, on top of this back thing since Feb 2010, I was diagnosed with celiac disease in Sept 09. (I can’t eat wheat, barley or rye or I get symptoms similar to crohns and slowly starve myself eve though I am still eating) I am not sure if you have been living with your condition forever, but I was hoping you could give me some advice on how to accept something as life changing as a major illness. That sentence sounds ridiculous but I really just mean I wonder if you ever ask ‘Why me?’ Is there anyway to banish that voice?
      I completely agree. The only persons and place I have is this blog. I like the anonymity and inherent trust I have here. I feel like I can be honest and open not only with my readers, but with myself. I am at a point in my life where one of my best friends was married in 2010, had a baby this past October and moved away in April; I miss her and her little one terribly. My other bff moved away in Sept of last year and is getting married in July. Oh, and my sister got married in Jan and has bought her first home, she moves in two weeks… Anyway, everyone that I really love is doing great, amazing and positive things and I haven’t had a purely good day in over a year… I have not had a day that is 100% pain free in over a year… Honestly, I just want to get back to some semblance of my normal self, rather than this pain-ridden, short-tempered and deeply angry person I see in the mirror and struggle to bury every day. It just feels like everything is a fight and no one else has to fight this hard. I know that is self-centered and I loathe myself for it, but that is the way I see some lives… Theirs are blessed while mine is cursed. Bah! That is a long enough ramble for this comment… Back to what you said…

      “Sometimes all we have is our writing. All we have is our blog. Sometimes, it’s just us and the keyboard. Sometimes the pain and gloom and all of that just overwhelms. Sometimes its hard to say these things to a real life person. Sometimes it’s hard to deal with.”
      I am so happy that you get my sometimes. You are right, sometimes people don’t want to see anguish and suffering makes people uncomfortable. So uncomfortable in fact that pretty much anyone I see in real life sees me and tries to give me health advice… “Have you tried a Chiro?” or “Have you tried putting a heating pad on your muscles?” or my favourite “Why don’t you just ignore the pain, after all my back hurts too?” I guess it just frustrates me. Yes, I have done all of that and pretty much everything else humanly possible for the last sixteen months. I just seems like people think that back pain is all the same, but it is soo not. So sorry, this rambled again, I just want to let you know that it always makes me happy to hear from someone who is young and still seems down to earth enough, with a close relationship with pain in some manifestation, to truly empathize with my pain and the emotional ect stress that comes out of it.
      So I guess I just wanted to say thanks. I know it will get better, it is just a bi*ch right now. 😛 Your words and thoughtfulness have made me smile, though, actually I am going to go to your squirrel post right now cause it had me almost peein myself laughing! 😛 Actually, speaking of squirrels, I am not sure of your comedy style, but have you seen “dead squirrel girl” on youtube? I think it is a little girl learning a life lesson, but it seems that people differ in their opinions in the comments…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9mG6R0UE-Y (only the first three min or so…)
      I hope this note finds you well and happy!
      Best,
      xoo-S.

  4. Sarah,

    This is in no way a whinny post (at least in my opinion). I feel that at times, we all suffer from those ‘sometimes’ day. We often feel challenged, or hit rock bottom when we feel that things are not going our way (I know I certainly do). I admire you for your strength and courage through this challenging time in your life. Can we expect you to be positive and chipper every day? NO, because in reality Sarah, who really is positive and chipper every day? No one is, and for you to try to have such a positive outlook on the past while in your life, you are certainly ‘allowed’ and are ‘expected’ to have those ‘sometimes’ days. Those of us who have not/are not going through the same trails and tribulations with which you have faced, can not comment or take offense to a ‘sometimes’ day.

    Not everyday is perfect, not everyday will go the way we want it to, but that is a fact of life. A fact that faces me, and one that currently might face you more than normal, but that will eventually become less, and you will be stronger because of it.

    I hope this makes sense, and doesn’t sound like too much of a rant.

    • Hi Kristine,
      I was so thrilled to receive your comment! I love that people I know and haven’t talked to in a while can still feel somewhat involved in my life. I was happy to hear from you. How are your wedding plan??
      Thank you for your understanding. I appreciate that you are empathizing without belittling my feelings. I know everyone has ‘sometimes’ days, but you are right in saying that I seem to face more of them than normal and sometimes it wears on me. I wish I could move forward with my life as I see so many others around me doing. I want to be able to dream and plan without the thoughts of ‘will I be better by the time I want to do this?’.
      It totally does make sense and it wasn’t a rant at all. Thank you so much for your thoughts and encouragement. I can’t express how much it means to me to hear that someone almost understands.
      Thanks again, and please drop me a line to let me know how your doing!
      I hope this note finds you well and happy!
      Best,
      xo -S.

  5. If it’s real it’s honest. I only call it whiny if you bother your friends with it…here it’s just you. If someone has a problem with it they can stop reading. That’s the beauty of a blog.

    Lack of sleep is a killer. It amplifies whatever crap you are dealing with. I hope you get a good night’s sleep soon.

    • Hi Raven,
      Thank you so much for your comment. I try really hard not to whine, even here, and I definitely try to save my friends and loved ones the bother of dealing with my pain and depression. My boyfriend probably gets the worst of it. He is starting to get so fed up with my limitations, mood swings and lack of motivation. He doesn’t really understand overwhelming pain, and I am half glad he doesn’t, as I would never want someone I love (or even like! Ha! Heck, probably not even someone I don’t like!) to suffer in this way, but the other half is upset that I feel just a bit misunderstood, neglected and lonely, and it doesn’t feel like it really matters to him, or maybe he just doesn’t notice.
      You are right in saying that lack of sleep makes everything worse. From pain to my mood and motivation, it is all negatively impacted by my exhaustion. I go see my family doctor on June 07, and am hoping that I might be able to get some relief with something she can prescribe or suggest. I have always been against medication induced sleep, I really don’t like taking pills period, but I don’t have much of a choice anymore. I need to sleep. I am going slightly mad! 😛
      Thanks again! I look forward to spending an afternoon with your blog soon!
      I hope this note finds you well and happy!
      Best,
      xo- S.

      • Your feelings sound more than justified…all of them. It sucks that life has dealt you such an unfair blow. I’m not a fan of pills either. If you ever read actual case studies on things like antidepressants, the results are actually pretty dismal. They do help sometimes, so I’m told, so I can’t knock them as I’ve never tried them. I do know some holistic approaches:

        Caffeine can affect you more than you know. The short span of wakefulness that you feel in the beginning is only a small part of what it does. It stays in the system and affects other things and it’s in the same family of compounds as cocaine. If you are in the habit of drinking tea, coffee, and/or soda on a regular basis you could try to do without it. It will take about a week before you see any difference is there is any to be had.

        The brain is big on smells so aroma therapy can really help some people. Things like lavender and vanilla are generally relaxing smells while lemon scents can heighten alertness. We are all different so try a few things and then save that smell for just when you go to sleep.

        Exercise is also really import but am also aware that your options are limited. My husband has complete disc erosion between 2 different sets of vertebrae in his lower back. He needs surgery but we are trying to wait as the fusion of those vertebrae will greatly limit his mobility and he still has a lot he wants to do. I love hiking and stuff but he can’t do anything lengthy anymore. It’s hard and it’s funny watching me find reasons for him not to lift things because telling him he can’t do that anymore makes him feel horrible. It’s still hard and really unfair. We get by the best we can though. Currently we are trying to find forms of exercise he can do since he is so limited.

        You may already know all this stuff as I haven’t gone through much of your blog. If so, well at least I added another comment. You sound really wonderful. I hope things get easier soon.

        Raven

      • Hey Ms. Raven,
        Wow, thanks for all the great info! I have actually switched from being a hard core coffee drinker (more cups a day than I care to admit) to drinking one or two teas in the morning and switching to decaf or roobios in the afternoon. In fact, loose leaf tea has become somewhat of a fetish! (Something I will elaborate on in a post soon, hopefully today… But I have been saying that for over a week and I still haven’t done it… As you can see from the stagnant state of my blog! [and my body!] 😛 )
        I haven’t tried any aromatherapy, so thanks for that suggestion. I have heard that even a small sachet of lavender under your pillowcase can help fall asleep faster, and reach deep sleep quicker. Funnily enough, my favorite evening tea happens to be lavender vanilla and chamomile. I find it interesting that smells can effect the brain so much. I have also been thinking about trying light therapy, and putting in place a bedtime routine. I have many life-type goals I am including in this recovery, I figure if I am going to put all this work into getting and maintaining a healthy back I should also try to live a healthy lifestyle. Something tells me that if I feel good physically eventually the emotional and psychological goodness will come to. Are these high hopes? You betcha!
        Being back in physio therapy definitely helps on the exercise front. I go in three days a week and complete the same routine at home once on those days and twice on days when I don’t go to physio. I have already brought my core strength from 30% up to 200% of the average for my age group pre-surgery, all the while fighting the ridiculous nerve and back pain and having severely limited mobility so if your husband would like some tips on positions, exercises ect I would be happy to help him out. The key is remaining supported in the lumbar area while still working the muscles and to stay supported you need to have a really strong inner core. I am not talking about a six pack by any means, rather the third layer of abs called the transverse abdominals. This is one of the most important muscles for anyone who suffers from back pain, and you can’t even see it! Has he ever been to see a physiotherapist? A lot of the time, if cost is an issue and you don’t have insurance, a physio is willing to consult with you and do three or four sessions to design an exercise plan that is manageable and doesn’t aggravate the problem, and only going to a few sessions will save you a lot of money. At least that way he would have some basic exercises to tone the important muscles. One last comment on your husband, with fusion there is some loss of mobility in the affected area but I found I actually have way more range of pain free motion since the fusion. The vertebraes don’t move anymore, but you can make a complete recovery from the surgery and go hiking ans stuff with no problems. Granted it takes a lloonngg time to go from surgery to fully recovered, but if he is anything like me, he can’t do any of the things he wants to now anyways. I wasted a year in horrendous pain only to have to have surgical intervention anyways and on the other side of it I feel like I had a year stolen. I would be so, so much further along in my recovery if I didn’t wait for so long. Everyone is different and if he is less severe than I was, if he can handle the pain without being stung out like I still am than I would hesitate. But I had my life stolen by this injury. I could barely walk and was in the territory of permanent nerve damage and losing the use of my left leg… So I didn’t really have the option to wait. Whatever you two choose, if you want some advice, encouragement, support or anything really from someone who has been brought through the ringer and had the surgery, I would be happy to oblige. One of the goals of this blog is to help others and if I can help just one person it will make this whole endeavor worth it.
        I wanted to thank you for your comments on this from the opposite side of the bed. I know that it has been really hard on my significant other, not only how limited my mobility has been for 16 months, but also just to watch me be in pain day after day with no relief and nothing he can do to help.
        Anyways… I suppose I am rambling… So I will wrap it up.
        I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to comment, and sorry it has taken me a bit to respond.
        I hope this note finds you well and happy!
        Best,
        – S.

    • Thanks, Roo!! Right back at you!
      By the way, I am so looking forward to your new posts! Going back to your blog is like returning to an old friend, comforts abound. Thank you for all your words, beauty and love.
      Best,
      xoxo -S.

  6. I think this is you being honest. Honesty isn’t all happiness and laughter. It’s the pain and anguish. This is your space. A space where you can vent your anger, laughter, sadness, fury….etc whatever it happens to be! So stick with it!

    As to sleep. Well from one non-sleeper to another all I can suggest is have you tried tapping. EFT. There is a link on my blog under Things that Help.

    I have been shown it and now do it (when my brain remembers!!) and I find it really really helps.

    So masses of virtual hugs to you
    xxx

    • Hello Ms. Caroline,
      Thank you! You are a mightily wise and insightful woman! You are right, honesty is more than smiles and roses. You keep telling me this is my space and I know it is but I am struggling with not judging myself. If I feel like a post is weak or purely negative I won’t post it. I really don’t want to be depressing to my readers. I try to remain upbeat, but in all honesty I have been having more bad days than good lately. While I am optimistic about healing and the distant future, months down the road when this is all a distant memory, I am pessimistic about the present, the amount of pain I have and the long arduous road I still have to travel to get to that healing, distant place
      I haven’t tried tapping, but have been reading up on the practice. It looks very interesting! I like the idea that your mood, emotions and even your body can be changed with a simple exercise like tapping on chakra points!
      Thanks for commenting, it is always a pleasure to hear from you. And I am going to venture through about a dozen of our posts that I am behind on in the next day or two! I look forward to spending an afternoon with you!
      {**{{Masses of virtual hugs returning to you}}**}
      Best,
      xo-S.

  7. S,

    This is Mel’s worse half, aka “D” or “Big Daddy” as she refers to me. I can really identify with what you are going through. I’ve had severe back issues since I was in a head on accident in 1997. Then in 2005 I was diagnosed with a seizure disorder. Between the two I fought back to gain the things that made me who I am. I pushed myself beyond what I thought was possible and even made it through the Police academy. In Feb. of 2005 things changed. I figured I’d fight hard and pull a come back again, but I was mistaken. Within two months I had suffered another seizure and shattered my shoulder in the process. To make a very long story not so long. I lost my career, my relationship, and my self. I told Mel that I truly didn’t realize how bad it was until one evening when I was sitting in the walk-in closet (of the home I was by that time losing) with a gun in my hand. Anybody that knows me, knows I’m a fighter…..I fancy myself a hardass. I wasn’t prepared for what life had thrown at me and didn’t have a relationship where there was an outlet or even an understanding shoulder.

    I’m not going to give you advice because I think that would be presumptuous of me. What I will do is tell you that you aren’t alone in how you feel or even your physical trials. Never, no matter how bad it gets think that you are alone. We all need a shoulder or sounding board from time to time.

    I still suffer from insomnia, still have daily pain in my back and shoulder, and life still sucks from time to time. What has changed is my prospective and the people I have chosen to surround myself with. I’ll pray for you, cause I’ve been there. I’m glad you found her Blog….. and remember nothing ever stays the same. Life changes in ways you can never imagine while in the midst of a trial.

    • Thanks Big D.,
      Thank you so much for your comment, understanding and sharing your story. I gotta say, you are a mightily strong person to deal with all that and eventually overcome it all to be in a place where self admittedly there are problems but you sound content. I hope to get there too.
      I sincerely appreciate that you admit that it would be a bit presumptuous to offer advice and I really never thought I would feel this way. If one more person asks me if I have tried ice or heat I am going to scream! And I don’t know what I will do if someone tells me how amazing Robaxecet (Mild muscle relaxer) is and I should try it as it might help the pain. I really don’t mean to seem ungrateful. When advice is offered wholeheartedly I sincerely appreciate the love and compassion that motivates it, but when people who don’t know you well think you are over reacting and could get better if you tried harder I get really frustrated.I have done everything I possible could to get better including increasing my core strength by 200%. I went to physio for 11 months before surgery. Bah! Now I am ranting. So so sorry. I will move on.
      The insomnia is what is really effecting me right now. Well, that and my level 8/10 pain level. Somedays it feels like my head is going to explode. Last night around 4 am I was so tired I was actually seeing double yet still couldn’t get comfortable. It has been over… um three months since I had a really solid night of sleep.
      Mmm… In conclusion, haha in conclusion, I know that someday i will be a better and stronger person if I can get through this sane. Fingers crossed!
      I hope this note finds you well and that today was a good day.
      Thanks again!
      -S.

  8. There is a difference in whining and realizing you need help, or you have to get thoughts out of your head. I’m sure the spirit and drive of your friend was to lift you up, and we’ve all done it. “Oh, you’ll be ok, we all have bad days,” we’ve all said things like that because it made us uncomfortable, or we just didn’t know what to say to someone who was down. However, as you know now, you aren’t alone, and sometimes these thoughts aren’t just going to go away on their own. Sometimes we need to speak louder so people realize it’s not just going to fix itself and we are not ok.

    As I said in my post, please talk to someone, and don’t stop talking or trying people until someone listens…if that has to be me, then I welcome you.

    Life sucks sometimes, and once in a while we can’t make it unsuck alone. This post isn’t whining, whining is wanting sympathy and thinking YOURS is the only problem. Most of us who don’t want to express these feelings are the furthest people from whining, because we don’t want to share how we feel.

    • Hi Melissa,
      Thank you for your thoughtful response. I know that nothing bad was meant on the part of my friend. She was trying to empathize and inspire me and looking back with a bit more perspective and less emotion I know she meant it in the most loving and best way. And I wasn’t even offended or angry or anything negative when the comment was left, I just took down the post because I though it might have been seen as whiny rather than just honest. I guess I just want to be able to express these things without people think I am weak, playing on their sympathies or asking for coddling. (Although I admit that sometimes I want to be coddled, but don’t we all?) I know everyone has these days, I am not self centered enough to think my problem is any bigger or more important than anyone else’s to anyone but me because I live with it.
      Thanks for reminding me I am not alone. I have lots of people say it but sometimes I forget until I am told. When I am more mobile and can tolerate more movement and sitting I will go talk to someone. This injury has taught me much about myself and I’d even argue I have had some major life lessons out of this. But it has also brought out a lot of the worst in me and I am just angry that it happened.
      I really appreciate you reading and commenting. I look forward to pursuing more of your blog. I apologize that this took a couple of days to get to you. I have been a utterly exhausted for a couple of weeks as I don’t sleep more than two hours at a time, four or five hours a night. I have been trying to nap, but I can’t seem to do much more than zone out. Anyways, I have been less attentive to wordpress than I like. Hopefully that is remedied in the next couple of days because I have so many post ideas, let alone the last chapter to write.
      Bah! Now I believe I am rambling.
      Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your kindness is greatly appreciated!
      Best!
      oo-S.

  9. I wish I was near enough to give you a hug. The sometimes are the really, really tough days – the ones where life seems to have no point. But hang in there. You ARE getting stronger, day-by-day, hour-by-hour your body is healing itself and you have such strength of character.

    Letting your mind run riot on these pages I am sure is helping.

    So lots of virtual hugs from me and I hope today is better. I am sure happiness is not that far away

    xxx

    • HI Caroline,
      I am sorry it has taken forever to respond. As usual, I appreciate your insight and encouragement.
      You are right, writing usually does help. It allows me to let go and validate many of my feelings.
      I will gladly accept all your virtual hugs, and today is a bit better. Thank you.
      I hope this note finds you well and happy!
      Best,
      xox-S.

  10. S,

    We all have days like that… yes, your situation may be worse, but in the end it’s just what you had to go through in order to have your life end up how it’s going to be.

    Sound complicated?

    Well, it is.

    I don’t know exactly what you’re meant to be doing with your life. But I know from what I’ve seen and experienced and what I’ve seen that has happened to other people that everything does happen for a reason; to amount to something. It could be a greater purpose or a plan, but what I think it is, is something that you have to discover for yourself.

    Maybe, one day, because of your illness you’ll be on the internet and you’ll come across something that you’ve always wanted to do. Maybe someone will read this blog and want you to do something for them. Maybe, on your way back from the Doctor’s office you’ll run into William Shatner and he’ll give you a million dollars; WHO KNOWS. That’s the exciting part of life.

    I know that you’re in a dark place now, and I know the feeling all too well. It happens to the best of us and it’s not pretty; but what you do have to know is that you make your own rules. Today was shitty and it’s over but tomorrow it’s up to you.

    Sorry if this sounds religious in any way because I’m not at all, but I do like to think of somethings being out there that I can’t comprehend… I do that and I write. And I watch. And I read.

    There are so many things you can do from your computer. You can stream some amazing TV shows and movies from online websites; get inspired. Great works of artistic expression do that for me. Get to your library and take your camera and get some books out! Read about anything and everything; write a list about places you’re going to go when you’re better and work towards it. Read up on it. Imagine what you’re going to do when you get there. Write stories about the places you want to visit. Feel it.

    I don’t know if there is a ‘secret’ to all of this. I know inspiration helps and I know depression goes away. Bad things can become good. And they will, if you wait it out a bit.

    Hope this doesn’t sound so preachy, but I know it helps to have someone pay attention when you feel alone.

    All best dearie.
    A.

    • Hi A.
      Thanks so much for your thoughtful and touching comment. I really appreciate you coming by to read my musings. I apologize that it has taken me so long to respond, I had decided to take it down after another comment that made me feel… like this post was something shameful and I should just … not say anything if I have nothing nice to say. Anyways, I meant to reply via Facebook but I have just been so darn tired.
      So, in response to your comment… You gave me some great ideas and inspiration. I know that everyone has bad days, and I know I am in control of my emotions but to be honest that is only possible if I can control my pain and sleep. I am working on it! 😀 Actually with that positive note in mind I am ouber excited to say that I started physio today and am starting strong at three days a week. I am going to try to get Aquatherapy covered for the other two weekdays. I just feel like a routine of some sort, even if it is only an hour commitment every day, would help me feel productive, at least a little. So I am definitely moving in the right direction it is just a little slow and when I feel like I take steps back I get upset. I guess it doesn’t help that my injury is my primary focus.
      Thank you so much for taking the time to write, I can’t express how much it means to me.
      What are you up to these days? Still in Montr?
      I hope this note finds you well!
      Best,
      Sarah

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