Archive for ‘Fear’

January 23, 2012

Depression, Motivation and the Drive to Keep Going

Hi all my sorely neglected readers…

What has S. been up to? Recovering.

Recovery has taken over my life and now it is not just the physical recovery from surgery, nor is it only my emotional recovery, rather ‘Recovery’ has become the guiding force in my life. I am recovering from surgery, recovering from  heavy narcotic use and recovering from a deep and overwhelming depression. Actually, I want to be able to say I am recovering from depression but I haven’t quite rounded that corner yet.

Physically, I am recovering, at a snails pace, but I am recovering.

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September 17, 2011

News… Can News Be Ambivalent??

This post was written two or three days after a follow-up consultation with my orthopedic surgeon  on August 22, 2011.  I still am rather ambivalent about the news… Sometimes I just want to be held. I just want someone to say it is all going to get better.  Most of all I want to believeit! Read on…

Hello Everyone,

So I had an appointment with my surgeon on Tuesday. I haven’t seen him in three months. Three months ago, my fusion was coming along nicely; he put me in a physio strengthening and flexibility program and by all accounts, I should have been ready to go back to work in September. That was before this latest appointment and x-ray…

I am still in so much pain. I have improved so much in physio, doubling my core strength already, but it hasn’t helped with my nerve pain that still travels all the way to my knee. For the first few months after surgery I would notice every week or two that my nerve pain had come out of my toe or my foot, ankle ect. But it has been eight weeks with no change in the intensity or location of  the pain. No one knows if this is permanent. I don’t know what I am going to do if it is. 

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May 28, 2011


Sometimes I feel like I am failing and I am flailing to hold onto anything I can grasp. There are days that are so dark I can’t see past the gloom, when I feel like my pain and sadness will swallow me whole, and sometimes I think that would be preferable to loosing a small part of what makes me me everyday…I have days when I can’t see the furture, when it feels like there can’t possibly be  a worse future beyond today and then I wake up tomorrow and sometimes it is worse. Sometimes I just don’t want to be strong anymore, sometimes I can’t pick myself up, sometimes I can barely bare to breathe. Sometimes I don’t want to. Somedays I don’t want to be in pain any more…

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May 7, 2011

The Hospital

Me After Surgery - Notice the black eye?


So I figured I had interlude-ed enough, and would really like to get back to the story. It is weird, I am almost haunted to finish it now. It is like I will have accomplished something if I just finish this story… Silly really, but true. So, here goes…

I woke up from my surgery about ten hours after I went under. Of course, I had woken up before this, it is standard procedure for a nurse to wake you every 15 minutes or so after you have undergone anesthesia to do breathing exercises in order to clear your lungs, but this was the first time I remember waking up. I was in my hospital room, C. was standing at the side of the bed closer to the foot, my dad was at the end and my mom was on the right side and they were all looking at me.

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