Posts tagged ‘surgery’

May 28, 2011

Sometimes…

Sometimes I feel like I am failing and I am flailing to hold onto anything I can grasp. There are days that are so dark I can’t see past the gloom, when I feel like my pain and sadness will swallow me whole, and sometimes I think that would be preferable to loosing a small part of what makes me me everyday…I have days when I can’t see the furture, when it feels like there can’t possibly be  a worse future beyond today and then I wake up tomorrow and sometimes it is worse. Sometimes I just don’t want to be strong anymore, sometimes I can’t pick myself up, sometimes I can barely bare to breathe. Sometimes I don’t want to. Somedays I don’t want to be in pain any more…

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May 21, 2011

Coming Home… Or The Beginning of Recovery


I have been promising this post for a long time, I am not sure why I have been avoiding it. This is the last chapter of the story needed to bring all my dear readers through my journey up to now. I can think of numerous reasons why I wouldn’t want to write this, but none of them seem to be really valid? Maybe sub-consciously I didn’t want to write it, as it is one of the most trying emotional periods yet and it is also still very fresh in my mind, or maybe it is just my deeply ingrained procrastination at work. I think it also makes me a bit sad that I can no longer look back on a time that is a distant memory, I am at the point in my posts where I am just about up to date and I will have to start looking at the present…

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April 29, 2011

The Surgery

This is What My Back Looks Like Inside

It has been a bit since my last post. I have had a rough couple of days and I am trying not to write this from  a place filled with overwhelming pain. I am trying to stay positive in this space while still addressing the negative aspects of my experience.

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April 22, 2011

The Beginning… Continued

How I feel somedays!

This post is going to focus on my steady decline after the most hellish night I have ever had. Read on…

Some night at the beginning of June I woke up drenched with sweat and shaking violently. I had an unavoidable need to vomit, but it hurt my head to just open my eyes.  At this time, I had no idea what was wrong with me, but I felt more horrible than I ever had. It wasn’t just the nausea, my body ached, my head ached and my back pain was excruciating. Soon, I realized I hadn’t taken a percocet since the previous evening and I was experience withdrawal for the first time, first  hand. I remember stumbling to the bathroom and flopping down on my knees, I didn’t have the capacity to contract my T.A.’s in order to protect my spine and get down properly. I hung my head over the toilet and vomited through my tears.

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